It remains unclear which is more important in a relationship. Is it Love or Intimacy? Before starting this article, I connected with a couple of friends about this very subject. About 70 percent were in favor of love being the requirement for a long-lasting relationship, 20 percent made it clear that intimacy would do a better job in keeping couples together (whether or not an emotional bond exists between them), while the remaining 10 percent remained on the fence.
Can love exist independently of intimacy in a relationship? Or can love be said to be the basis of intimacy?
Yes, love can exist independent of intimacy. Many couples who go their separate ways do not do so based on lack of love, but because of the absence of intimacy which may pose a threat to the survival of a relationship.
Although there are several kinds of relationships, the context to speak on is the romantic relationship between two partners.
Do you know the 5 love languages and how to incorporate them into your relationship?
Let’s look at love as the foundation on which a relationship exists. In many ways, it ensures stability in the relationship, just as the foundation of a building distributes the structure’s weight over a large area to avoid overloading the underlying soil. But would you choose to live on a foundation when you could make it into a mansion
“Love is not enough.”
It took me a while, some books, and my personal experience to understand that love is not enough. So many times, we are under the delusion of having to fall in love, remain in love, and everything will work out fine, automatically. But, as much as love is crucial to any relationship, it does not stop there. It is only a step-in relationship.
Among other factors that make a successful relationship, intimacy plays a crucial role.
“Sex and intimacy are not synonymous.”
Intimacy goes beyond just sex. Individuals and couples often associate intimacy with some form of sexual activity. While sex with a partner can build intimacy, not all sex is intimate. It is possible to have sex without intimacy, as well as intimacy without sex.
Intimacy may be physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. All four types of intimacy foster closeness in a relationship.
Intimacy is an act of sharing the innermost part of your being. Intimacy is possible when you are in a relationship that supports mutual acceptance, communication, commitment, tenderness, and trust.
You may seek intimacy in your relationships yet struggle in finding, sharing, and feeling real intimacy with others. Do you find yourself asking, “Why do I still feel alone even when I’m with someone?”
The answer may have to do with risk. One of the fundamental components of intimacy is the willingness to allow yourself to be vulnerable. If you fear vulnerability, then you fear intimacy even though you may long for it.
Partners have a lot to learn about each other at the beginning of a relationship. They are quick to share the lighthearted stuff. It births the bonding of both individuals and adds a contrast of fun to the new relationship between partners. But, when it comes to the scary, emotional stuff, being honest isn’t so simple.
What makes it hard to open up and be honest with someone you claim to love? Why do you still hold back a part of yourself from your partner, even if you feel like you trust them?
“Intimacy in Relationships can be a Rollercoaster.”
There is an idea that being vulnerable interprets opening up yourself to attacks.
Brene Brown, who is a research professor at the University of Houston, and an Author who for the past two decades has studied courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy, says that “Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our greatest measure of courage.” There is no better way to enjoy a relationship than going all in and being vulnerable. It is where trust comes to play a crucial role.
Intimacy will not happen at once. There are steps, as well as stages to intimacy in a relationship. You must be keen on taking the steps and only on making progress.
Here are a few steps that can help you achieve a more intimate relationship with your partner.
Communicate about your feelings.
Communication is the pillar of any relationship, be it romantic, formal, or casual.
The first step to attaining any depth of intimacy is to communicate with your partner. Do not assume your partner automatically knows what is going on in your head. It is hard to build trust and intimacy if your partner has no idea that you are having a hard time.
If you have a hard time letting people in, it is only proper to communicate this with your partner, along with address what may be the reasons for this fear and let them know you are working on it.
Come to a state of awareness.
To be aware of certain situations means to have a level of control of such situations.
You may avoid having deep relationships for reasons which are even unclear to you.
These situations can occur as patterns. Do you struggle to stay present during sex? Have low self-esteem? Do you distance or isolate yourself from other people?
Taking note of these patterns and being aware can help you have a tangible list of what to work on.
You may also find it helpful to work with a therapist or any mental health professional for guidance.
Tackle your fears and insecurities.
The fear of intimacy arises from traumas like sexual assault, an abusive relationship, and childhood neglect. It is understandable to have let your guard up in response to these.
You are not alone.
You do not have to be ashamed when you understand what made you first put your guard up.
But to move on, you have to identify what makes you feel safe and what triggers these insecurities. Then, you can intentionally set up boundaries you still want to keep and begin to do away with those that are no longer helpful or that may hinder intimacy in your new relationship.
Make a genuine effort to know about each other.
The first thing to note is that intimacy is not a race. Getting to know each other on a deeper level takes time and should be aided by patience from both parties.
A time would come when you feel you have known all about your partner, and the spark of mystery is gone. But people change, and relationships grow over time. There is always more to learn about your partner.
Ask questions and play games like strip trivia, ask each other the “36 Questions to fall in love”, which would help gather more information about your partner.
Make time for each other.
Spending quality time with your partner can help foster bonding.
A date night weekly or twice a month will help with this. It doesn’t necessarily have to be an outdoor date. There are home date night ideas you could pick. You can always switch between an outdoor date and a home date night. But do not forget the goal is to pay attention and be truly engaged with one another. It is easy for time to fly by without sharing quality time together, and less quality time can result in a disconnect.
Solve/Tackle a project together.
Remember the earlier mentioned type of intimacy?
Intellectual intimacy.
Forming an intellectual bond is crucial for the existence of friendship in a relationship. Those we build a mental connection with are our friends and can make lasting impressions on us.
Thus, building a mental bond with our partner is as important as the emotional bond. Sharing ideas, tackling projects as little as moving a table in the living room to a more preferred position can help grow our mental connection with our partner.
Seek Professional Help.
Seek help from professionals and relationship experts from guidance. You can also find helpful resources just like this on the internet for further information.
Achieving intimacy that is deeply rooted in love and acceptance will come with its challenges, no one said otherwise. The most rewarding part of being in a long-term relationship is being able to share your true self with your partner and to know that they fully accept you.
Author Bio
Raji Oluwaniyi is a freelance writer who has successfully helped several organizations to pen down articles covering a wide range of topics. He is a hard worker and strives to produce his best every time he is assigned a task.
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