What Are The 5 Love Languages

Maybe you’ve felt like your efforts in showing your partner how much you care about them go unnoticed. Or, the opposite; you’ve felt like your partner doesn’t show enough affection to you. In either case, it’s possible that this misunderstanding is rooted in you and your partner simply having different love languages.

The concept of love languages was initially proposed by psychologist and couples counselor Dr. Gary Chapman in the 1992 best-selling book The 5 Love Languages – The Secret to Love That Lasts. The concept came when Dr. Chapman noticed in his clients a recurring complaint: “My partner doesn’t love me!” or “I’m doing everything I can – I don’t know what else to do!”.

After analyzing his clients’ similar cases, Dr. Chapman categorized five different approaches in effectively showing affection to another person – the 5 love languages.

They are:

Words of Affirmation
Physical Touch
Receiving gifts
Quality Time
Acts of Service

Many conflicts arise in a relationship because we usually approach our partner in a way that works for us – but doesn’t necessarily work for them. Understanding your partner’s love language – as well as your own – is fundamental in a relationship. It will allow you to make a better effort to express your love in the way your partner values and recognize their own way of expressing their affection.

When you have different primary love languages, the expression of love you expect may not come naturally to your partner as it comes to you. It’s essential to have a clear conversation about what kinds of demonstrations of love are more valuable to each of you. That way, you will make sure no one feels neglected or like their efforts are unappreciated. So, how does one incorporate love languages in your relationship? The first step, learn the 5 love languages below.

Words of Affirmation

This love language is about expressing love and affection through words, like compliments and verbal reassurance. If this is your partner’s primary love language, they will enjoy even the smallest of praises, such as “You look so good today!” or “You make me really happy.” You can light up your partner’s day by leaving a loving text message or sticky note or pointing out something about them that inspires you.

There is one detail, though: the words need to be genuine. It may seem contradictory, but knowing your partner likes receiving verbal encouragement doesn’t necessarily mean that your comments will then be forced. In addition, the words also need to be frequent. The “Well, my partner knows how I feel, so I don’t need to tell them all the time” thinking won’t work out too well for either of you in this case.

And on the other hand, negative comments can be just as impactful. If your partner thrives on words of affirmation, insulting and hostile words will feel more harmful than other actions. Be mindful of your words around your partner – even when it isn’t your intention to be hurtful, negative comments can cut deeper than we think.

Physical Touch

The Physical Touch love language isn’t necessarily linked to sex. This language is all about feeling loved through physical intimacy. Some people might feel loved through a compliment or verbal affirmation. In this case, your partner feels loved when you hold their hand, run your fingers through their hair, or give them a massage at the end of a stressful workday.

The need for physical demonstrations of affection doesn’t mean your partner wants PDA. These tender and meaningful touches can be incorporated into your routine by simply cuddling on the couch while watching a movie or sitting close together while having dinner. What’s important here is being close to your partner and making them feel loved.

Receiving gifts

A gift can be a material symbol of one’s love and affection, but this love language isn’t about the gift itself. If your partner identifies with this language, the thought and effort put into the gift is what matters most to them. They will appreciate you going out of your way to finding a small token of your affection. You can buy a book from their favorite author or pick up their favorite ice cream after work – anything that shows you thought about them throughout your day will make their day.

Often, your partner will remember every little thing you’ve gifted them, such is the impact a gift can have. The items will hold significant sentimental value and be regarded as a material representation of your dedication to your partner.

Quality Time

This love language can easily be misinterpreted by many. Quality time isn’t about constantly being around your partner – it’s about spending time with them and giving them your undivided attention. That means putting your phones aside, actively listening, and making eye contact. You can have quality time together while watching a movie on Netflix, as long as your partner feels like they’re still the center of your attention.

Pre-planned dates are the most meaningful to your partner in this case. While spontaneous occasions such as a free night from work are great, planning a date in advance and catering to your partner’s wants shows your partner that you’re dedicated to spending quality time with them. On the other hand, canceling plans will have just as much impact: your partner may feel put aside – like they are not your priority.

Acts of Service

If your partner’s primary love language is Acts of Service, there is one thing you must always have in mind: actions speak louder than words.

Doing things solely for your partner’s benefit will significantly impact them more than any gift or compliment could. They feel loved and appreciated when you cook them a meal, take out the trash, or get up during the night to look after the kids – just so your partner can sleep a little more.

However, these actions need to be genuine and spontaneous. Acts done out of obligation or with a negative attitude are entirely different situations. The most meaningful acts are those that your partner doesn’t expect of you. Like with gifts, it will show them that you think about them and are willing to go out of your way to make their day a little easier.

Explore the languages of your relationship

Your partner’s primary love language isn’t a general solution to every situation in a relationship – different situations may require different languages. All love languages are present in a relationship to a degree. Learning when and how to use each of them will allow you to care for your partner more authentically and spontaneously – which will undoubtedly be appreciated.

Instead of choosing one love language, explore how each of them is important to you. Talk with your partner about your expectations and what means more to you in different situations. Understanding what kind of affection is most important to your partner will help you know how to approach affection and get better at expressing your love effectively.

Ultimately, taking action to care for your partner and doing what is more meaningful for them allows you to practice altruism, one of the most important virtues for any interpersonal relationship – romantic or not.

To find out more about your love languages, taking the official quiz with your partner can be a fun first step in strengthening the demonstrations of love in your relationship.

Thais Roberto and Couples Experience