I can remember being in elementary school in my 3rd-grade classroom, sitting at my mini desk with its attached chair, thinking about how I would win at freeze tag during recess and surely conquer the kids at my favorite game, States.
If you don’t know about States, get wit it.
My school had the map of the U.S., painted on the concrete on the playground; no states were listed, just the outline of each one. The game was like tag. Someone would be ‘it’ and they would have to name a State that would be the safe haven for the ‘others’. Swiftly, we would have to identify the unlabeled State and run there without being tagged by the ‘it’ kid.I was so good! My geography skills and speed made me the one to beat – long legs and brains!
I digress.
As I was focused, pondering about recess while in class, there was my bestie sitting to the right of me, doodling her future husband’s name and matching color crayons with her future wedding colors – pink and gray along the wide-ruled lines in her Trapper Keeper.
See, this wasn’t me.
I never wanted to get married.
As I got older, I dated in middle school. Fell in love with my crush in 6th grade.
I know, I know, you couldn’t convince me it wasn’t really love. We went for walks, went to the movies, kissed in the corner hallways and even wore matching clothes on occasion. I liked him and loved him, but still I never really thought about our future.
I couldn’t see myself getting married.
My life progressed through high school (so many crushes) happened and passed. Love letters, car drives, kisses and caresses, classmates hating, photos were taken, memories were captured. Love rising but still, my destiny was never in my thoughts. At least not when it came to love. I wanted to be a writer or an artist, not necessarily a wife.
Either way, all the girls with their boyfriends were planning their lives together – they would plan to go to the same college, plan where they would live and plan how many kids they would have.
Me on the other hand…those things were like foreign concerns to this girl. Kids? Yeah, no thank you!
I really never wanted to get married.
College was the same story, but with a very different scenario. Exploring and releasing was the phase I experienced throughout those years. Exploring all that life could be as I was thousands of miles from home, and I was releasing what I thought I was supposed to be.
Sure fun was had, observing others was prevalent and my learning that all that relationship stuff everyone else was in the midst of was beyond overrated.
I could see maturity was lacking. Cheating was prevalent. Arguing was normal and couples seemed to go from extreme lows to extreme highs. It seemed kind of dysfunctional from an outsider’s perspective, and it just so happened to be that I was always the selected third wheel (not the most exciting placement), but I learned to appreciate my role (more on that later). But still…
I definitely did not want to get married.
The thought of marriage didn’t really conjure up a reality of love, happiness, and good fortune. I get it, as I reflect, I’m sure it was my circumstances, my beliefs, my observations, and everything else combined that led me to the thought.
But it was the independence I felt too. The power of a strong woman and an only child. The idea of having to sacrifice for another did not seem to mesh well with who I was and the person I wanted to be in the foreseeable future.
I definitely didn’t see myself getting married.
The struggle of my dating life was an ongoing saga ( I know women can relate).
The complexities of online dating as a young professional woman were like being on the show Punk’d!
Being tasked with having to write my personality, wants, and needs, or not, to be tailored to fit a word minimum, but remembering not to exceed the maximum.
Swiping, chatting, meeting, boredom, and “There’s something about him I think I like, or maybe I can look past this.”
It was annoying, to say the least, and SO freaking time-consuming!
Some men were attractive or appealing. Then here comes the infamous dick pics – like really?
All this and more was a part of the dating world and realistically, it was all just too much!
I mean I had some great meetups, experienced some laughter, had some okay date ideas, received some gifts, was asked some crazy ass questions, I even got stalked, cursed the f**k out, called a bitch (I’m sure all women can relate to that too!)
Get this – I even had an ex-girlfriend chase me and a guy while on a date – in a car, she was in her car and we were in ours! Seriously, not the best date ever…once again (more on that later).
My life was a tumultuous, but lively adventure filled with the good, the bad, cheap dates, expensive treats, every career, various cars, strangers becoming friends & boyfriends morphing into enemies.
I was set on experiencing all that was out there though – no discriminating warranted.
I was open to giving the unknown a shot and for that attitude, I was rewarded with great understanding and appreciation when the time was right.
Eventually, though, my mind, my body & my soul was so dissatisfied and agitated that like anyone else, I threw in the towel!
I was saying a resounding – no thank you to the universe and the current trends of the dating world.
My thought, you know what?
“This ain’t for me.”
I refused to settle. I refused to be in a space of unhappiness that I had seen so many of my friends experiencing.
So I made room for me…not knowing that ultimately doing so was considered doing it the right way, and it would allow room for another.
Yet, and still, my feelings remained…
I definitely will not be getting married.
Please believe all this ish had me on my own single life movement and that movement turned into a life of loving and growing into more of me!
The point here is this…
The movement was creating an opening for me to discover the depths of me…yes…
I was committed to reaching the next level of connecting. Not only to myself but unbeknownst to me, I was preparing to connect to another.
To love unconditionally forces you to demonstrate selflessness, and that my friends are the great gift that this life has to offer. Can you imagine giving anything to another before you have given it to yourself?
It was all about learning me.
Travel, reading, spa days, movie and dinner nights alone and no cable days filled with writing and expounding on the gifts of T was the mission of this movement I had created for myself.
I had become truly comfortable with myself. Defiant in my ways of not accepting petty pet peeves and my worth could not be challenged by anyone so…He walked into my life.…and all of a sudden…The love I had NEVER experienced before confronted me gracefully and led me to believe in more than just the present, but the future too. I know – super corny. The future became clearer. Unknown, but I was at ease, and like so many times before in my life, the past experiences, lessons learned and current situation collided into true reality, and suddenly everything made sense. My mind shifted…unexpectedly.
I do want to get married.
