Arguments are no fun, but they are most definitely unavoidable because well -, disagreements are simply a part of relationships. No matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you may want to always get along, there will be times when a difference in opinion will arise, and figuring out how to communicate with one another will most likely be a challenge. It’s ok though. When you are in the midst of the annoyance of arguing, it’s important to take heed and know, that this can either be a positive or negative turning point. You may feel like you’re being attacked or misunderstood, and you may just want to exit stage left, but making a conscious effort to “do the right thing” will make a world of difference now and down the line.
All parties involved must make an effort to find mutually agreeable solutions to any disagreement that may come up in your relationship. Your priority cannot be you all the time, but it should be about solving the issue at hand.
Whether it’s the color of the curtains or the way to discipline your child, everyone has their own opinion, and you’re not always going to see eye-to-eye.
Four tips for dealing with disagreements in a relationship
1. Open Those Ears
When you and your partner disagree, you should make every effort to listen to one another. At times, in a disagreement, you may feel attacked or what you say can be misconstrued BUT you can battle that issue IF you are willing and apt to listen not react but to truly hear what your partner is saying. This is the step in the direction of being open-minded and nonjudgmental. Give your partner your undivided attention, ask for clarifications to help clear the air and be open to their point of view without engaging in being defensive…
2. Set A Time Limit for the Argument and Let Go
Allocate time when you both sit down and work out your disagreements. A time limit would be “how about coffee tomorrow evening?” I know, I know, this sounds corny, but when you are tired of arguing and you are ready to be mature, this is efficient. Having a moment to step away, regroup and plan what you would like to say has its perks, I promise. The goal here is to make it easier to express your true feelings more calmly and rationally rather than speaking when aggressive and angry. By the way, when you resolve things, let’s agree, NOT to bring these same things up in future arguments.
If you bring up past conflicts, you’re reopening old wounds and showing your partner that prior agreements and resolutions are meaningless.
3. Be Open to Compromise – Yep, We Are Saying Compromise – AGAIN!
Compromise is essential to having a healthy relationship. I think it is easy to be selfish, but the vibe of a good relationship stems from each individual recognizing that their desires cannot ALWAYS be at the forefront. If you are not ready to compromise, maybe you should reconsider even being in a relationship. Okurrr!
Let’s be clear, compromise doesn’t imply that you have to agree with your partner or vice versa 100%. Maintaining your values, views, ideas, and preferences are healthy while still meeting halfway. Compromise involves identifying a middle ground and bridging the gap so that both partners feel heard, understood, and agree on an effective solution. The balance will result in a healthier relationship and positive growth in the long run. Win!
4. Take Responsibility for Your Actions and Perception
Listen…say it louder for the folks in the back. Taking responsibility is all about emotional maturity. It is not an easy feat, but doing so will prevent a disagreement to reach an unfixable place. Please believe, we have ALL been there before. Unwilling to take responsibility results in more of an argument. My suggestion – nip it in the bud by saying you apologize. Maybe mention, “You get it. Your experience is not mine, but I can understand where you’re coming from?” Saying this alone can change the tone of the conversation!
It’s easy to point fingers at your partner during a heated disagreement. If needed, respectfully, take a break or a walk to cool off when there seems to be no end to the disagreement. In those ten or so minutes, be honest with yourself and look inward. Examine your role in the disagreement and take responsibility for your perception, words, or actions. “I am sorry, this is my fault” is a good starting point to start the conversation. “My bad for being so angry or for reacting that way.” Disagreements in a relationship are unavoidable, but you can learn how to handle them in the best way possible to grow and build a more unbreakable bond!
Now you are ready to….. Have a look at helpful conflict resolution strategies for couples.
When there is a conflict between couples, it can substantially affect their daily lives. It can affect their mood, sleep, and even how they converse. Some people dodge conflict at all costs, while others let it happen without trying to resolve it.
However, there are strategies that couples can use to help them
Tips to work out couples conflicts in a healthy manner
Talk About The Issue Respectfully
If you both get into a disagreement, try to resolve it as quickly as possible. The longer you wait, the more our body, brain, and nervous system perceive the other person as a threat, causing them to remain defensive because they feel threatened. Therefore, you need to clear up the issue as soon as possible.
Allow Yourself to Be Vulnerable
Yep – get to be vulnerable. Because don’t get it twisted, vulnerability is strength. Try to reach out to your partner even on the days when you don’t feel like it. The phrase “I offer to talk first,” “I offer to listen first,” or “I’m scared and terrified, and even though I feel uncomfortable right now, I want to be here and work this out” are examples of vulnerable statements.
Sometimes, vulnerability can be expressed through gestures like reaching out and holding your partner’s hand or shoulder. Tell them, “Babe, I’m battling my own ish and I got defensive but I care about you and want us to resolve this.” Remember vulnerability is a form of strength, not weakness.
Learn How to Repair Your Relationship Successfully
Let your partner know they hurt you. People will sometimes try to suppress their emotions, act like it doesn’t bother them, or walk out of the room. Instead of holding everything in, make an effort to get uncomfortable and talk it out. I would imagine your purpose is to return back to the good of the relationship and not live in misery. So show your effort. Figure out what can change the trajectory of the argument appropriately. Pending your bond and personalities, maybe crack a joke. Apologize. Offer a truce. Do something nice. Just don’t let the frustration linger.
Get this – your body responds to outer circumstances. Your nervous system has the capacity to monitor how much time has passed. The threat response system dislikes having to wait to feel secure which means whenever you don’t feel connected to your partner, you open the door for negative impressions to be stored in your long-term memory. ABORT!
Throughout the day, your partner will be thinking, “My partner seemed indifferent about an issue that hurt my feelings, and they haven’t brought it up. I’m curious whether they missed it or what’s going on here?” You don’t want that thinking to linger on for hours.
Unfinished repairs tend to accumulate. You’ll be surprised by what transpires when you constantly bump into unfinished business. Minor issues will quickly snowball into major ones that may result in degrading language or physical confrontation. At that moment, everything in that pile pours into the relationship.
As a result, it is beneficial to address your relationship misunderstandings point by point so that the pile does not grow and you can work towards improving your relationship.
Don’t Give in to Resentment and Anger
Sometimes, you can become irritated with one another when you already feel resentful and furious towards them. Even so, be patient and kind. Listen to them. Sometimes, it takes multiple conversations to find a solution. Don’t allow pressing anger and resentment to get in the way of solving problems. This is only if you really want to work it out and everyone is on the same page, ya know?
Avoid Name-Calling or Putting Down Your Partner
I say it all the time, it is difficult to forget character attacking language, and scary behavior. So attempt to prevent the negative to come out. At times, it may be unavoidable. Or at times you may be triggered, and maybe, just maybe your partner may need to see that side of you, but please try not to cause permanent relationship damage. Do not yell, use insulting language, or demean your partner. Treat your partner with the utmost respect and listen to what they have to tell you. Then, you’ll be able to reach a compromise and work together to strengthen your relationship.
Choose Your Battles
Avoid picking unnecessary fights if you want to handle a volatile situation well. If you argue over minor things, for instance, should you order Mexican or Chinese for dinner, and in the course of the argument, you realize, “wait a minute……what are we arguing about?” You might want to pause and take a step back, laugh about it and focus on other important matters.
Onward ya’ll!
So, let’s take a deep dive into how to resolve conflict in a relationship when both feel strongly. How do you handle conflict in a relationship when neither person wants to give up their point of view? Sure conflict is inevitable in a relationship, but in order to stay together, and happily, you’ll have to deal with conflicts head-on, and you have to consider an alternative. How do you get there though? Continue reading…
How To Deal With Conflict Head-On
Acknowledge and Deal with Your Emotions
A tough day at work, heavy traffic, and so on can all put you in a bad mood. Facing your partner in that lousy mood could impair your judgment; therefore, identify your own emotions. What emotion influences your actions or words in a certain way, or are you looking at the situation objectively?
Remember, “Quarrels end, but words once spoken never die. “– African Proverb.
Don’t Make Hasty Decisions
Sometimes, one partner takes matters personally when there’s no reason. When your partner forgets to pick up dinner on the way home, you conclude they’re inconsiderate and don’t care about you – a conclusion based on little or no facts. Your partner forgot dinner because they were rushing home to give you good news about their promotion!
When you want to make assumptions about your partner, stop and try to understand them. Yes, you are annoyed that your spouse came late, but they have their reason; probably, they got a flat tire that took a while to repair. Without facts, you will make poor decisions that will have a long-term negative impact.
Ask yourself:
- How often do you jump to conclusions?
- How often are you right?
- What makes you feel anxious, and is it justified?
- Is there anything you can do to change your feelings?
This self-reflection exercise assists you in identifying patterns in your relationships and self-esteem that you may need to improve.
Avoid Judgmental Language
In relationships, it’s common for people to misunderstand each other because of the words they use or judgmental language. It can lead to serious, unintended problems and can immediately affect your relationship. It can lead to misunderstanding and prevent you from having meaningful conversations.
Our thoughts and beliefs don’t hurt or change anyone except for how we talk about them and act on them. It’s astounding how people can sound judgmental using everyday language. Disagreements and confrontations end up occurring as a direct result of this.
Think about how you usually talk to your partner or when you last talked and ask yourself:
- “What words could I have used to convey my point better?
- “How could I have worded that idea better?”
This is where we now probe into possible issues that lead to conflicts in relationships. There are different reasons why partners get into conflict with each other. Before you try to solve the conflict, you first need to establish the main problem.
Five possible issues that lead to conflicts in relationships
1. Misaligned Priorities for Both
Because both partners are unique individuals, their priorities in a relationship differ. Work is a priority for one, while the family is a priority for the other. Our actions and where we spend our time in life reveal our priorities. So, are you and your partner on the same page?
If not, when your partner devotes time to what they consider a priority, you may be offended and wonder, for example, “why are they prioritizing work over family?” because you consider family the most important.
A solution would be to discuss the issue. Make sure you’re creating balance with what involves both of you, like the home, kids, and family, and there can be a win-win situation for both.
2. Projecting Attitudes and Words Onto One Another
If you have bottled up emotions or thoughts inside and you haven’t addressed them, you will unintentionally project them onto your partner. Sometimes you’ll make a remark that leaves your partner wondering, “Where did that come from?”
Your mind will create a story that seems true, but it’s likely a result of unresolved issues probably from the past. You become hypersensitive, reactive, defensive, or withdrawn in this state. Your thoughts convince you that your change of behavior is justified.
Stop! Don’t go down that road; you are headed for conflict in your relationship!
Be on the lookout when making assumptions and check out the story. Is it true? Is this a figment of my imagination?
3. Imbalance Between Alone Time and Together Time
You are two separate individuals who have come together to form a relationship. However, you are still individuals in your own right, with dreams and desires to improve yourselves. You don’t want to stop being yourself when you’re with your partner. The part of you that motivates you to improve is within you!
Alone time boosts your energy, allows you to connect with the inner self, and enjoy your hobbies or passion. Your alone time is not about sitting in front of the tv binge-watching the latest series, but rather it’s spent away from technology, society, and conversations with other people. You need to be in a space where you can be alone with your thoughts, process your emotions, and everything else to fire up your natural spark.
That’s what alone time does; it’s similar to when you take time off from work. Your internal tank is refilled and you’re rejuvenated.
You share with your partner what you’ve discovered when you return, and your energy and fire will be felt in the relationship. When you are fulfilled, you show up differently to your partner.
Imbalance is a possible issue that leads to conflicts in relationships; either there is too much togetherness or too much alone time. Both extremes can cause frustrations and tensions. If you use most of your time ‘out there’ and only spend 30 minutes a day with your partner, you are courting a conflict.
The other extreme is if you are constantly with each other; you won’t be happy as an individual because you have no time to yourself. It feels like everywhere you turn, your partner is always there. It would be best if you had a break from that environment.
Togetherness is not only physical but about having meaningful conversations. It’s about being physically and mentally present with one another.
4. Unresolved Conversations
Sometimes you start a conversation but never finish it because you get interrupted by kids walking in or you have to go to work, or so on and so forth. It could be inappropriate to bring up important topics during breakfast while doing the dishes, or in between meetings, because a resolution may not be reached.
When you don’t conclude these conversations, the initial reason for bringing them up fades; by the time you circle back, it’s been two weeks! When a trigger occurs, and one of you is emotionally charged, you will recall the unfinished conversation. It was a well-intended meaningful conversation, but your partner didn’t return to it, and now you’re upset because it’s been so long. Whatever the problem was, it was never resolved.
As a result, it deflates the partner who feels wronged, and the relationship feels stagnant.
5. Unspoken Needs or Expectations
Vocalize your needs or expectations. For example, if you’re going on vacation, discuss what to expect.
- Will you be alone or will you invite friends?
- What will be the routine?
- What are some of the planned activities?
Discuss everything to ensure that your needs and expectations are aligned.
- How do you believe you should behave as parents?
- Do you have expectations about housework and financial matters?
- What do you aim to achieve in your 50’s-60’s?
- Do you have retirement plans?
These are all important conversations that need to be had, and you must be open about what you want. Unmet expectations are the source of all relationship-related disappointment. Most people overlook this!
In short
Remaining respectful to your partner, communicating effectively, and reaching a mutual understanding will always win. Disagreements are not a contest of who is right but a test of how you handle disagreements in your relationship. Boom!
Visit Couples Experience CE Circle to learn more about how to handle conflicts in relationships and strengthen the bond between your loved ones. Be sure to follow us on social media for the latest updates on inclusive relationship advice, and upcoming couples retreat or couples events in your city!
