Handling your own finances is stressful enough, but handling money between two people is one of the most common sources of relationship problems for couples worldwide. Being the reason 67% of people argue with their significant other, money-related issues manifest in various ways. Still, however imperceptible some of them may be, they are the issues are a sign that something about the relationship needs to be addressed.
The COVID-19 pandemic certainly intensified the impact of financial hardship. Along with facing lockdown together, couples have been challenged to elevate their levels of compassion and communication skills to brand new standards.
Honesty, empathy, and clear communication are the foundation for any healthy and lasting relationship. When it comes to money, it is no different. Learn some of the most recurring financial problems to haunt happy couples, how vital talking about money as a team is, and the first steps to bring up the conversation with your partner.
Most Common Money-Related Problems in a Relationship
Disagreement about finances is one of the three leading causes of divorce. These problems often surface because of personal income differences, insecurity, and personal baggage. Identifying what kind of money-related problem you are going through can be the first step in saving your relationship.
Power Imbalance
Among the main issues related to money in relationships, power imbalance may be one of the most complex. It can come from several reasons, but its effects are always significant. In most relationships, there is one person who makes more money than their partner, and, as the age-old saying goes, money is power.
When one person in the relationship has a higher income, it is common for them to have the final say in matters of finances. This increased control can start to leak even into the more straightforward decisions related to money, such as where to eat on date night. The person with more money often expects their partner to compensate for their lack of financial contribution by taking on more responsibilities and investing more time into the relationship – like taking on all the household work or looking after the kids.
A power imbalance often makes the person who earns less feel guilty, ashamed, and, ultimately, become financially dependent on their higher-earning partner. The disadvantaged person possibly doesn’t realize their situation until they face a possible end of the relationship and a sudden shift to their lifestyle. These situations force the person to choose between staying in a financially toxic relationship or adapting to a new reality where they’ve lost their primary financial support.
Financial Infidelity
In a study by the Financial Therapy Association, 27% of the participants admitted to having kept financial secrets from their partners. Moreover, both marital and life satisfaction was lower for those who had experienced financial infidelity. Among the 14 behaviors linked to financial infidelity analyzed by the research, the four most common among the participants were:
- hiding purchases from your partner
- lying about the price you paid for something
- spending money on the kids without telling your spouse
- saying you bought something on sale when you paid full price.
Keeping secrets from your partner can always undermine your mutual trust and commitment. The same applies to money-related secrets. When a couple doesn’t discuss their finances in an open, healthy conversation, they are forgoing valuable time together. Managing finances as a unit is a powerful tool for increasing intimacy, connecting over shared goals, and establishing mutual respect.
Take a listen to some of the top podcasts for finance when you need some additional insight and advice on finances.
Opposing views on money management
We start developing our attitude towards money early on as children. We learn from watching how our parents handle money. We can ultimately internalize their attitude or, when witnessing problems caused by their practices, develop our own distinct strategies, hoping to avoid repeating their mistakes.
In any case, when two people come from different backgrounds, it is understandable that they have different perspectives on money. For many, finding someone whose attitude to money is complementary to yours can be meaningful and a learning experience for both parties. Still, opposing opinions on finances can cause frequent heated disagreements.
Everyone has financial baggage. Understanding your partner’s background and respecting their views is fundamental in keeping a peaceful relationship.
Financial uncertainty in COVID times
Since March 2020, when the COVID-19 crisis reached the status of a global pandemic, families have been forced to adapt their living in a way many were unprepared for. Coping with the uncertainty brought by sudden unemployment, reduced income, closed schools, and long periods of lockdown can cause unimaginable tension in any relationship, regardless of how stable it has been.
Despite the unpredicted financial challenges, a Toronto-Dominion Bank (TD) survey concluded that the COVID-19 pandemic has helped reduce the stigma around talking about money in the household. While the conversations aren’t always positive, they encourage open communication and bring down financial infidelity. After all, it is much harder to keep secrets from your partner when you’re locked up together.
The importance of talking about money
Talking about money isn’t just about solving any immediate problems that may be damaging your relationship – it’s about developing trust and healthy communication with your partner, as well as understanding each of your personal perspectives and how they can work together in a positive, complimentary way.
In most cases, we only get glimpses of our partner’s attitude towards money in the earlier stages of dating – up until taking the step to live together, we mostly handle our finances individually. It is only when combining our finances that we see the full picture of our partner’s financial attitude.
These three simple steps can help you start talking about money with your partner:
Reflect on your values
We start developing our values from a very young age. We are often unaware of how they impact our decision-making process. Understanding our perspective is the first step in being able to communicate your ideas to your partner. You can also think about the positive impacts of starting this conversation with your partner on your relationship.
Understand your partner’s side of the story
Reflecting on your partner’s baggage and what made up their financial values is a crucial step to cultivating empathy for them. Having compassion for the other person is fundamental when solving any argument in a relationship. Remember that we all come from different backgrounds, and in most financial conflicts, there is no right or wrong – just different.
Start the conversation
Finally, take the final step and start the conversation with your partner. Taking what you learned from the two previous actions, you can ask your partner to sit down and talk about your finances and face any problems coming up as a united front, letting them decide on a time when they feel more comfortable. Don’t forget to approach your partner compassionately, and reassure them that this can deepen your connection, and make sure you’re both working towards your goals – together.
Don’t let money be the downfall of your relationship
Going through financial hardship is no reason to be ashamed. Most couples have, at some point, disagreed about money. Knowing how to find the root of the problem and apply the appropriate tools to fix it can be challenging. However, there’s no reason why it should be a source of irreparable conflict in your relationship.
It comes as no surprise – talking about it always helps. If you feel uncomfortable with any aspect of your financial situation as a couple, it probably means that there is something to be addressed. If you don’t feel ready to bring it up with your partner just yet, or if you’re not sure precisely what is bothering you, talk about it with a trusted friend. The simple act of verbalizing your thoughts can be a powerful strategy to get a clear perspective of your feelings.
And if still, after employing every tactic in your repertoire, you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, don’t worry – it’s not the end of the line. Seeking the help of a financial advisor will allow you to reevaluate your economic situation as a couple and layout a plan to make any necessary adjustments to your lifestyle.
Suggested videos: Things You Should Never Say About Money In A Relationship | The Financial Diet
6 Steps To Resolve Financial Conflicts In Marriage | His and Her Money
Author Bio:
Thaís Roberto is an English teacher and an academic researcher. Connect via https://www.linkedin.com/in/thaísfroberto/
