Family experiences shape our ability to develop healthy relationships, but why? It all starts when we are children witnessing healthy family dynamics or not, from our own family’s relationships. A loving home serves as a model for building relationships throughout your life. It’s the very place where communication methods are observed and absorbed.
Children who grow up in a home with a healthy relationship model apply what they’ve learned while being raised to their own relationships later in life. The counter is true, when children are exposed to crappy relationship models, they are more likely to repeat the same experience in their own lives. Unless acknowledgment and healing take place. Even if you don’t realize it at the time, it’s incredibly important for you to recognize your childhood experiences have an impact on your relationship with your partner. I bet you are wondering how does your parents’ relationship affects yours?
Here Are Four Ways Your Parents’ Relationship Influences Yours
The Romantic Aspect Of Your Relationship
Our parents act as role models in all aspects of our lives, including our love relationships. Reflect for moments to recall what you were accustomed to. Did your parents go out of their way to help one another? Did they take an equal role in the domestic chores? Do they still date each other? Did you witness them showcasing a like and a love for one another?
Alternatively, if your parents separated, did you witness them being polite towards one another, or did they easily toss around disrespect and less than loving terms?
Once acknowledged, it should be easy to see, many of the aspects of your parents’ relationship that you admire most are the same qualities you want in your relationship. As humans, we typically replicate what we have seen. By observing your parents, you discover and identify the factors you want and repeat the same behaviors in your relationship.
Your Willingness To Be Open
Your emotional availability is dependent on your past, your parents, and your desire to grow. If you grew up in a household where you saw one parent show vulnerability while the other parent brushed them aside, ridiculed, or dismissed them, you will find it difficult to show vulnerability to your partner or even friends.
Vulnerability, especially within a loving relationship, is what allows for a deeper connection, trust, and overall development. In order to get to a strong foundational place, you must allow your guard to be penetrated and rely on your vulnerability. In turn, you will subconsciously encourage your spouse to do the same all by showing your true self.
Handling Conflicts
We tend to repeat the patterns of disagreements that we see in our parents’ marriages and partnerships from time to time, simply because we are creatures of habit. Studies show 40% of children who witness their parents fighting often become abusers or victims. Children who do not witness their parents quarreling, on the other hand, may believe that loving couples do not disagree, and when conflict does arise in their own relationship the quarrel causes a sensitivity they are not prepared to face.
There is a great deal of ambiguity at play here. It’s possible that your parents’ preferred way of dealing with disagreements is by giving each other the silent treatment. I don’t know about you, but this is not it, especially if you are on the receiving end. Other times, your parents may have been more frank when the other party offended them. This could be perceived to be a positive approach if the communication is reasonable.
Either way, no matter how our parents solved their problems, their actions do not need to become yours, at least not forever. You were raised by parents that handled things their way and hopefully the best way they knew how. Think about prioritizing learning how to address your issues as you continue to embark on your own coupledom. Don’t ever be afraid to change, or seek help from a professional relationship counselor or therapist.
Expressing Our Feelings
Think about it, if you look at certain family dynamics from the outside, away from their in-home dynamics, you will only get a tiny glimpse of surface emotions and actions. But underneath the layer of realness and behind the doors of every home, there is much more to be exposed and expressed. Let’s be honest, most are either afraid or don’t have the opportunity to reveal it all. Some don’t feel too fond of releasing the truth or the fullness of their relationship, and most times it is rightfully so.
Something that society should be keener on is understanding it is acceptable and human to show emotions like anger, heartbreak, and love without being judged. Ask yourself, as a child, how much did you get to witness your parents’ highs and lows as they went through life? Maybe they were not expressive, but for the sake of your partner, special advice? Don’t suppress your feelings. Be you. Be honest. Be fully you. If you don’t this could lead to anxiety for either you or your partner.
You are about to find out……….
How Family Influences Your Life?
Similar to the role your parents played in your life, all of your family relationships play an integral role in developing who you are too.
Our upbringing impacts each of us for the rest of our lives. The experiences in our families help shape us as individuals and how we think and behave in the future. Knowing your partner’s or prospective partner’s family background can help a couple understand their expectations for their marriage and the family they hope to start together. Talk about this, and in-depth. Learn about more than just mom and dad, but ask your lover how they grew up, who they were around, and how were those interactions. Take the time to get to know more of their close family, but go beyond them too. This, my friends, is how you discover more about your mate’s behaviors and how your partner expresses themselves.
Learning about your differences and understanding the different dynamics of your family upbringing gives you the chance to talk about critical aspects of life comfortably. This will make it easier for the two of you to communicate in both happy and challenging times and make your home more comfortable, and we know we all want this!
Impact of Family on Your Relationships
Our family background molds our thoughts, emotions, and behavior that we are unaware of. Good memories make us happy people, but a traumatic upbringing typically alters how we perceive what is possible for us, and the direction in which we go. Many times, your upbringing can cause you to be more positive, or incredibly negative. It really just all depends on the impact and how much you acknowledge from your past. Just know, many of our adult habits are based on our childhood experiences and the feelings tied to those experiences.
We tend to become withdrawn if we don’t have someone to share our thoughts, feelings, and time within the family. When we feel alone and unwanted in our relationships with our partners, it is likely we felt the same feelings as we grew up. As a result, we are unhappy and engage in undesirable behaviors to escape the feelings of loneliness.
If you had a difficult childhood, you tend to become uneasy and apprehensive when choosing a partner. You may become submissive and a pushover because of what you observed occurring from the parent or family figure you admired. All these factors, and so many more influence your choice of a lover. Haven’t you heard the saying, “she is dating her father.” Or “I want to marry someone like my mother.” It is common for folks to want what they are accustomed to – it supports a level of comfort. There is no doubt about it, we choose our future partners based on what we see from our parents and other adults while growing up.
There is nothing wrong with repeating what your parents did, just as long as it is beneficial to your wellbeing.
“ Do as I say, not as I do. My mother used to say that to me all the time. As a youngster, I had no idea why she was so pressed to remind me of this, but it makes all the sense now. As humans, we typically know what is best for us, but sometimes we delay acting on that need. So, my mother wanted me to take her verbal coaching over what I would actually see her doing. That may have been the goal, but It didn’t work too well. I literally do things and immediately recall seeing my mother doing the same thing decades ago – crazy how that happens.“
– Tamika Carlton
Recognize, there are always options and outs. You and your partner have the potential to transform your relationship from dysfunctional to healthy, from fearful to bold, from self-centered to selfless. When a couple realizes that their hearts’ motive affects their attitude, which in turn affects their behaviors, they can start making changes towards a blissful relationship.
If you are needing more relationship resources, relationship advice, or you desire some ways to spice up your love life, connect with the Couples Experience CE Circle for all the goods.
