Divorces are a highly stressful and often traumatizing event. We’ve seen the drama of the divorce between Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, it has gotten extremely tumultuous. No one starts a relationship expecting it to fail, but while the divorce rates in America are at an all-time low, many people still choose to end their marriages every year.
A divorce brings uncertainties that can turn your life upside-down. It generates emotional, financial, and social distress, but it’s possible to have a healthy breakup. By taking the right steps and getting the right help, you can make this life transition as smooth as possible. It takes time to heal after a relationship ends, and having a solid support system is fundamental.
Contrary to what many people may think, marriages don’t end suddenly – overnight, or after one single, big disagreement. The end of a marriage often starts long before the divorce happens, as all of the minor reasons of frustrations and unhappiness start piling up.
One must realize, each divorce is an individual experience that happens according to circumstances unique to that couple. There are hardly any situations where only one person is at fault. Most often, bad behaviors from both parties lead to the end of the relationship.
Here you’ll see some of the main reasons why couples choose to divorce. Many of these reasons are rooted in poor communication and lack of trust between partners, both of these virtues are fundamental to keeping any relationship alive and healthy.
10 main reasons why couples divorce
Cheating
Fidelity is one of the primary promises that come with a monogamous relationship. Once that promise is broken, it isn’t easy to earn back your partner’s trust. In many cases, it’s impossible. Infidelity may be a sign of the adulterer’s trauma or emotional immaturity. It can also be a symptom of a relationship’s underlying issues. In most cases, cheating happens because people feel neglected, look for novelty outside of the relationship, or simply fall out of love with their partner.
Jealousy
Some people believe that a “healthy dose” of jealousy is a sign of love, but, in reality, jealousy is a possessive feeling that most often comes from insecurity or lack of trust. Jealousy may manifest itself in response to your partner’s personal relationships as well as their accomplishments. A jealous person will deny their partner free agency, resulting in another marriage-ending behavior: being overly controlling.
Controlling behavior
A controlling person will expect their partner to tend to their demands, regardless of their partner’s needs. This manipulating behavior can be dangerously tricky to notice at first – it often starts as subtle requests and a growing need for attention, but it can develop into a highly toxic and traumatic experience, where one person loses all of their power in the relationship, becoming a mere instrument for their partner’s manipulation.
Power imbalance
For a relationship to work, both partners must stand on equal footing. Power imbalance may come from one partner’s financial advantage, expectations for the relationship, or other factors. If one person feels like their wants and needs are being overlooked in the marriage, the dissatisfaction can turn to resentment, triggering a series of other relationship-ending feelings.
Being unsupportive
People need support from those around them, and they expect support from their significant other. Putting your energy into understanding and caring about your partner’s wants and needs is necessary to maintain the connection you share. Be your partner’s greatest encourager instead of their greatest critic. Remember the famous saying: people go where they feel welcomed, but stay where they feel valued. This is especially important in a relationship.
Not knowing how to deal with differences
When we fall for someone, we fall in love with everything that makes them who they are. We appreciate their personality and choose to share the rest of our lives with them. However, when two people have been together long enough, those unique character traits that made them fall for each other can become a source of conflict. Understanding that we all have different backgrounds and respecting the differences is fundamental to maintaining any relationship – romantic or not.
Not paying attention to the relationship
No one likes feeling neglected. If the relationship becomes synonymous with boredom, and if one or both parties start feeling apathetic towards each other, the romantic element of the relationship will eventually fade away completely. The lack of romance and excitement about the relationship can lead people to seek satisfaction outside of the relationship, which is often why a marriage ends.
Money issues
While it may be true that money doesn’t bring happiness, lingering money problems can certainly bring hardship within a relationship. Knowing how to deal with money and how your partner deals with money is vital in not letting money be the downfall of your marriage. We all deal with money differently, and this is not necessarily a bad thing. So it is key to be open with each other and communicate clearly about your finances.
Avoiding conflict
Withdrawing from conflict is a defense mechanism and dangerous behavior for a romantic relationship. Ignoring the underlying issues instead of working on them early on will allow the problems to build up until they eventually become too overwhelming. If there is a problem that needs to be discussed with your partner, don’t dismiss it. Likewise, if your partner feels like there are things to be worked on, don’t ignore them. Doing so will cause resentment, which can end up overpowering the love you have for one another.
Comparing your relationship to others
The grass is always greener… Comparison is the thief of joy… Many sayings alert us to the danger of comparing our life to others. Comparing your relationship to other people’s or to your own past relationships is holding it to unfair expectations, making you constantly feel unsatisfied with how things are. If things are bad for you and your spouse, invest your time working on your own relationship instead of looking at everyone else’s.
Work on your relationship before it’s too late
There is never a sole reason why a couple chooses to end their marriage. In most cases, one problem leads to another, eventually snowballing into an unhappy relationship that is too overwhelming for both parties. To prevent this from happening, it’s essential to catch the signs and work on your relationship together before it’s too late.
A healthy relationship needs to be a true partnership, where the two parts are equal. Everyone needs to have their voice heard to ensure that mutual respect and good communication will be in place.
Many times, couples therapy can assist a great deal with balancing communication within a relationship.
Natural chemistry can help things get started, but it’s the work you put into maintaining your intimacy and your connection that will keep the marriage alive. To make sure you’re both doing the work, reflect on the habits you have that affect your relationship. Separate the ones that make you happier from the ones that bring conflict – it’s never too late to replace those with good new habits.
A happy marriage isn’t defined by the thing you decide to do one time when things get complicated. It’s defined by the small things you choose to do every day, every week, and every month, and so on…
Thaís Roberto is an English teacher and an academic researcher. Connect via https://www.twitter.com/thaisfroberto
